“Everyone has their own masks in which they put on to please other people.”
Each person has this liking for acceptance. Everyone wants to be looked upon by other people in any way no matter how much they hide it. And so people tend to hide what they really feel sometimes because they are scared that this would make people turn away from them. People try their very best to conceal their feeling of being pathetic for they know the others won’t feel good about them with this. And maybe some people hide that they really like or is happy with someone who they really love to be with because they are scared that this would make the other person feel uncomfortable around them. And sometimes, unknowingly, people conceal their feelings because of hurt.
I am one person who is not good in hiding my feelings. I show how I really feel. But maybe, just maybe, even though I am transparent, I appear good in doing this. A lot of people think of me generally as a bubbly, happy, jolly, and someone who never stops laughing. After our retreat, I have learned that I lighten up moods with my loud laughs and crazy talks. And so many of my classmates think of me as someone who’s always positive and happy. But, I AM NOT. Recently, I am not anymore.
I am back to who I used to be. I am again that pathetic, often self-pitying, pessimistic, unmotivated, onion-skinned person that I thought I have already overcame. My recent experiences just revive all of them again. And since it is the 2nd time, it is harder to pick myself up. And it has been breaking me, tearing me so hard I’d rather choose death than striving.
I was desperate and started searching for videos about…….then I found one and it really struck me. Since I was so desperate of the results, I tried the advice. Then I have realized that I really should be strong and start picking myself up.
“I am stronger, I know my worth.” That was what was on my mind. And so I started ‘living’ again. I am okay, I feel better. The pain seemed to be bearable, it even seemed to disappear. I was acting like I was carefree and truly happy again. I was okay. I can stand up for myself. I wasn’t too whinny about the situation anymore.
But….
When I saw this post on tumblr….all of my efforts of regaining myself went down the drain. I realized that still, i am not okay. In fact, I never was and I don’t know if I will. Things struck my mind again.
I AM HURT. I AM PATHETIC. IT WAS MY FAULT. I AM THE FLIRT. I CAN’T HAVE WHAT I WANT. I’M STUCK WITH MY STUPID, INCOMPETENT, ALWAYS AVERAGE, UNATTRACTIVE SELF.
bitch life.
